Codependent Relationships: Takers and Caretakers
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Title: Codependent Relationships: Takers and Caretakers Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: © 2005 by Margaret Paul URL:
http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 704 Category:
Relationships
Codependent Relationships: Takers and Caretakers By Margaret
Paul, Ph.D.
Takers and caretakers - they often seem to find each other! As a
counselor who has worked with relationships for 37 years, I can
tell you that this is the most frequent relationship dynamic
that I encounter.
Takers are people who tend to be narcissistic - that is, they
are self-centered with an excessive need for attention and
admiration. The taker attempts to control getting love,
attention, approval or sex from others with anger, blame,
violence, criticism, irritation, righteousness, neediness,
invasive touch, invasive energy, incessant talking and/or
emotional drama. The taker uses many forms of both overt and
covert control to get the attention he or she wants.
Takers not only want a lot of control, but are often afraid of
being controlled and become overtly or covertly resistant to
doing what someone else wants them to do. The taker might resist
with denial, defending, procrastination, rebellion,
irresponsibility, indifference, withdrawal, deadness, numbness,
rigidity, and/or incompetence.
In a relationship, takers operate from the belief that “You are
responsible for my feelings of pain and joy. It is your job to
make sure that I am okay.”
Caretakers, on the other hand, operate from the belief that “I
am responsible for your feelings. When I do it right, you will
be happy and then I will receive the approval I need.”
Caretakers sacrifice their own needs and wants to take care of
the needs and wants of others, even when others are capable of
doing it themselves. Caretakers give to others from fear rather
than love - they give to get.
Neither takers nor caretakers take responsibility for their own
feelings and wellbeing. Takers generally attempt to have control
over others’ giving them the attention and admiration they want
in overt ways, while caretakers attempt to have control over
getting approval in more covert ways, such as compliance, doing
to much for others, and/or withholding their wants and opinions.
Because neither takers nor caretakers are taking care of
themselves, they will each end up feeling angry, resentful,
trapped, unappreciated, unseen, unloved, misunderstood, and/or
unacknowledged.
I tell my clients that whenever they feel this way in a
relationship, it is because they are expecting the other person
to give them what they are not giving to themselves. When we are
not seeing, valuing, acknowledging, or understanding ourselves,
and when we are not attending to our own wants and needs, we
will always feel upset when others treat us just like we are
treating ourselves.
Codependent relationships - relationships of two takers, two
caretakers, or a taker and a caretaker - will always run into
problems. Many people leave these relationships, only to
discover the same problems in their next relationships. Takers
and caretakers can switch places in different relationships and
over different issues, but the problems remain the same - anger,
resentment, distance, lack of sexuality, boredom, feeling
unloved and unloving.
There really is a way to heal this.
Relationships heal when individuals heal. When each partner does
their inner work - for example practicing the Inner Bonding
process that we teach (see www.innerbonding.com for a free
course) - their relationship system heals. When each person
learns to take full personal responsibility for his or her own
feelings of pain and joy, they stop pulling on each other and
blaming each other. When each person learns to fill themselves
with love and share that love with each other, instead of always
trying to get love, the relationship heals.
Learning how to take100% responsibility for your own feelings is
one of the essential ingredients in creating a healthy
relationship. This means learning to be conscious of what you
are feeling and being open to learning about what you are doing
to create your own feelings, instead of being a victim and
believing that others are causing your feelings. Your feelings
come from how you treat yourself and others, from what you tell
yourself and what you believe about yourself and others, rather
than from others behavior. Blaming others for your feelings will
always lead to major relationship problems.
Why not start today by taking your eyes off your partner and
putting them squarely on yourself? In reality, you are the only
one you actually have control over. You are the only one you can
change.
